So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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