haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
