when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
