If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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