you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
and she was petting her beer can
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
