I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
