FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
