How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
