You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
