Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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