Me too!
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
