it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
