3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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