STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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