I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
