Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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