Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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