Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
