Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
