I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize