Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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