i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
