I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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