i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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