I can text with my tongue
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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