Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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