Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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