I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
