Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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