I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
