My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
