TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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