I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
