It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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