She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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