he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
