I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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