I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
