How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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