are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
