new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
