That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
