I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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