I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
