I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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