Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
