Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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