There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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