my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
