so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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