peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
