I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
