Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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