no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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