I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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