Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i came on her dog
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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