I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
