Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
