Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
