When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
