Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
