DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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